Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
