we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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