Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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