What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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