please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
