just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
