Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
