hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
