You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
