when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
