I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
