Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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