i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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