i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
