Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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