you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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