Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize