She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
