the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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