Can i not drive my cunt home
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
