you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
