you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
