I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
