she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
