That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
