so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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