I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
