I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
