Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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