Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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