Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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