Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
