the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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