This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
