Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
