also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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