Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
