Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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