My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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