between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize