Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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