I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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