I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
