Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
