literally had 100 drinks last night.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
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