i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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