do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
