This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
