oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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