stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
