Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
