I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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