matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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