the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
