I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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