I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
