I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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