I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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