do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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