Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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