just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
