Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
