I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
